I’m trying and I’m sure I’ll get there one tiny victory after another. Little victories! I don’t feel like myself and for anyone who’s been around it ain’t you, it’s me. When the game was over I tried to sweet talk myself into just one more but I held firm and got the laundry. Yesterday I made a bargain with myself, ok lay down and play ONE game on your phone and then go get the laundry. Like doing the dishes in the evening instead of leaving them for the next day so I can just get back in bed earlier. So I am trying to claw my way out of the hole. WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT? JUST WALK OUT! This is all me talking to myself by the way. It’s kind of like telling someone who is at the bottom of a deep dark hole to just get out if you’re unhappy. I KNOW diet and exercise helps, writing, reading, creating new habits, all of it. After I realized what’s going on I thought about trying anti depressants but then I thought I should try what I know first. When you don’t even feel like drinking the sads away it’s time for a self intervention. Earlier this week I was at the grocery store and when I saw the wine and said to myself (or out loud who can say?) EH. If I am not forced to do something on the weekends you bet your ass I’m in bed watching Friends for the thousandth time. Last week I finally realized, oooohhhh I see what’s going on here. Thank god she gave us so much to live on and remember for the rest of our lives to fill us up until we meet again. Her nieces and nephews, of which she adopted plenty, will forever be missing something. ![]() She will continue to shape this family whether the future generations know it or not and that’s ok because any time the glitter flies, we will know it’s because of her. My kids are who they are in part because of her. There are so many stories and pictures and details as with any epic relationship and this will never dignify who she was or what she meant to me or my family but I am who I am in part because of her. These kind of relationships span lifetimes. These kind of relationships are documented in books. These kind of loses cannot be summed up in a Facebook post or a blog post. My traumas were hers, and hers were mine. A lot of those are gone now because only she remembered. As we’ve grown older I’ve lost a lot of my memories and she was one of only 2 people in the world who could fill in blanks and recall stories for me. She has every picture of our lives together cataloged into albums from the time we were babies until 3 days ago. I never had to worry about taking the pictures and documenting anything because she did it all. She wasn’t just an aunt it was that I knew, if anything ever happened to me my kids would be fine because she knew every one of my stories, she’d been there for every step of my life and could give more of me to them than maybe even I ever could. She was there when my kids were born and she took her new role of aunt maybe more seriously than any aunt that has ever been or ever will be. She was there to break the legs of any human who dare hurt me. We got our first jobs when we were 16 together at Sea World where we would sneak into Dolphin Cove after closing and pet the dolphins. Couple of wild animals with a gallon of milk and some coffee liquor. ![]() I mean, to be fair it was just Kahlua but we thought it was real cool. The first time either of us had alcohol it was in her bedroom and my crazy mom bought it. I did actually bite into her arm during that ride pretty hard but it helped me see it wasn’t that scary and I learned to take a chance. She made me go on the Double Loop because boys were there and she didn’t want me to look like a scaredy cat. When we went to middle school and she wore a damn Garfield shirt, I was still proudly her friend. We played muppets in her basement and always fought over who got to be animal. I don’t have one major or minor life event that doesn’t include her. We were clearly meant to be friends, who wouldn’t want to carry shit around to avoid other kids and play in the classroom without any of the other assholes to bother us? ![]() ![]() Not only did she let me play with those ponies but when she broke her leg she always picked me to carry her shit up and down the stairs and eat inside with her instead of going to recess. Stephanie Renner was there in my class, she had cool blonde hair and even cooler were all the My Little Ponies she had at her desk. I found mine when I was 5 years old and the new kid at school. Sometimes sisters aren’t born into your life, they’re found.
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